QUESTION NO 8: Character Flaws in Marriage

Question
How do we handle character flaws with our spouse?

Answer:
We are all different from one another. No one is flawless. Everybody has character defects one way or the other. Character flaws, for some, are major while for others, they could be minor. But then, categorizing character flaws into major or minor depends on who is doing the categorization. It can always be subjective depending on which side of the pendulum you are. In real life, what is admiration to you may be abhorrent to me. Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder!

Generally, there are spouses with difficult personality traits. And it may be pretty difficult changing or dealing or coping with your spouse’s character flaws. But since neither the husband nor the wife is perfect, each of you has got to decide to embrace the other’s imperfections, deficiencies, limitations and inadequacies.

Character is like an addiction. It rarely changes overtime. It’s not even easy to change one’s character not to talk of changing that of your spouse. It’s like attempting to bend an old dry fish which you wouldn’t want broken. There’s need for a lot of patience, skill, tact, wisdom, counsel, love, genuine communication, empathy, understanding, correct knowledge of your spouse’s personality traits and prayers. The truth is that most often neither of the spouses sees any flaw in the other party before marriage. That’s why people always say “love is blind”. But immediately after the wedding, each of the spouses starts disliking some aspects of the other’s behaviour. Thus, whatever blindness love caused during courtship, marriage opens them all.

Handling Character Flaws in Your Spouse:
The following are some steps in handling, changing, accepting, tolerating or dealing with your spouse’s flaws.

1. Acknowledge that you too have flaws. Don’t over look your own bad character. If you want to change your spouse, first change yourself. If you’re complaining about certain aspects of your spouse, consider the areas your spouse is grouching about on your personality too. If you can tolerate or accept yourself as you are, then accept and tolerate your spouse as he or she is.

2. Evaluate and assess all the areas your spouse’s character irks you. Itemize the ones you can prayerfully change and get to work on them. Remember that you’re trying to bend an old dry fish and you wouldn’t want the fish to be broken! So, a lot of patience, endurance and humility on your part are required.

3. Accept that there are things you can change, and there are some other things you cannot change. If after you’ve done your best and your spouse doesn’t change, then accept and adapt accordingly. Afterall, you had professed that you loved your spouse hence you got married to him or her. Let’s talk a little more on the subject of love here. There are several things that are similar to love. They are often mistaken for love. For instance,

1. Love is not lusts:
Love is not lusts. Love gives and keeps giving even if he’s not given back. Lust takes and keeps taking until he has drained the object of lust. Love values the person loved and is very careful never to hurt but lust uses and keeps using the object of love for his personal advantage. Love endures all even in the midst of severe afflictions but lust subsides, caves in and collapses at the taste of unsavory event.

2. Love is not romance:
Love is not romance. Romance is about feeling. It has to do with mood. It can be manipulated by music, kisses, and any change in the environment. But love is real. Come rain or shine, love remains affectionate.

3. Love is not infatuation:
Love is not infatuation. Infatuation is a passionate and an intense interest, often sexual, in someone of the opposite sex. The infatuated is obsessed and crazy about the object of infatuation. And he or she can do just “anything” in order to get the other party. It is about “falling in love” or “love-sick” or “love at first sight”. Its euphoria easily dissipates and disappears. The moment the infatuated gets what he wants (usually sex) from him or her, the ecstasy ruptures and turns round to permanent and perfect hatred of the other party.

4. Love is not sex:
Love is not sex. Sex is an act, instinctive, with or without any effort. Love is a process; it is learned over time before it matures; so, it requires constant attention. Love needs spiritual and emotional interaction. Sex needs only physical interaction. Love deepens relationship but sex alone, dulls it. The moment you engage in sex or allow yourself in sexual relationships with someone outside marital union, you will most often continue to desire more; and any denial of further sex leads to bitterness and heart-break.

5. Love is not “Love if…”
Love is not ‘love if…’ This is a mere conditional love. You only get it if you meet the qualifications and requirements. This is a selfish kind of love. It often ends in resentment, frustration and disappointment.

6. Love is not “Love because of…”
Love is not ‘‘love because of…” This kind of love is dependent on the existence or non-existence of certain things. It is transient, peripheral and can be faked. This love wanes when the other party no longer has the reason for the love.

7. Love is not “Give-and-take”
Love is not “give and take”. Real love is not reciprocal…

BUT What is love? Love is real when you love or when you’re loved irrespective of flaws and in spite of flaws.
1. Genuine love attaches no conditions.

2. Love still continues even if events change in the future.

3. Love keeps giving even if the giver is not getting anything back from the receiver

4. Love cherishes and nourishes the person loved

5. Love values, protects and provides for the person loved

6. Love doesn’t exploit or abuse the person loved.

7. Love is not vengeful.

8. Love corrects affectionately.

9. Love considers the person loved first before self.

10. Love accepts all manner of suffering on behalf of the person loved.

11. Love accepts the other person’s fault, weakness and shortcomings with no strings attached.

12. Love covers a multitude of misdemeanours. As the saying goes, love is “blind.” It is blind to the errors and mistakes of the person loved

13. Love is agape: the God kind of love.

14. Love gives and keeps giving and when there is nothing else to give; then, love becomes a gift and gives himself in perpetuity.

15. Love is a mystery. It’s very difficult to explain to someone not in love. It is an irresistible feeling of affection and care for the object of love.

Conclusion:
To LOVE or be in LOVE is to be romantically, emotionally, psychologically and mentally attached or longing for someone irrespective of his or her inadequacies, shortcomings or flaws. The challenge for you today is to go back to your first LOVE for your spouse. Go back to the mood and spices of those days when you were wooing, toasting and dying for each other.

Some Bible references for further understanding:
Ephesians 5:28-29; John 3:16; 1Corinthians 13:1-8; 2Samuel 13: 1-2, 14; Romans 5:8; Genesis 29:20; Song of Solomon 8:6; Luke 22:48; John 15:13; Ruth 1:11-17; Rev. 2:4-5