Hebrew 12:14 “Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord”
Introduction:
What is marriage and family?
Marriage in this context is the monogamous heterosexual union between a man and a woman.
The family on the other hand is made up of a husband, his wife and children and in some cases extended relations such as in-laws, cousins, nephews, aunties, uncles of both husband and wife, and sometimes house helps.
Making Positive Impacts: This is a continuous tense.
What we are discussing is not a one-off-strike-that-kills-all-once-and-for-all. Issues with difficult spouses and family members are practical issues that occur in everyday life in various shades and different colours. So, there’s no ONE PILL CURE ALL!!!
Therefore, you will have to keep applying the biblical principles we will be discussing today both day and night until you meet Christ in glory. So long as we are humans, we all can not but keep making a positive impact on difficult family members.
Who is a Difficult Spouse? A difficult spouse is someone you consider to be a hard, complicated, thorny, tricky, intricate, complex, and not easy to work with. He or she often speaks, behaves, and acts in an authoritarian way that is usually resented or resisted by the people.
Some spouses and family members can be very difficult to live and cope with. Such people will persistently and continuously wear out the other person with any or more of the following:
1. Nagging and uncomplimentary outbursts
2. Withdrawal from intimate relationships and sexual life
3. Frequent noticeable mood changes
4. Anger, rage, fury, and annoyance over frivolous issues
5. Irritability, touchiness, and grumpiness over petty issues
6. Aggressiveness and transfer of aggression on others
7. Losing interest in and being fed up with life
8. Hating self and disliking almost everybody
9. Always picking up quarrels on unimportant, trivia, and inconsequential issues
Possible Causes that Make People Difficult:
The following and many more could be the reasons why some spouses and family members are difficult to live with and cope with:
1. Stress, distress, and fatigue
2. Over-work or Over-burden, especially of financial pressure
3. Over-thinking on issues of problems of life which have got no solution
4. Traumatic experiences such as kidnapping, armed robberies, etc.
5. Strains in relationships such as when in-laws are not treated equitably
6. Anxiety over repercussions from unfulfilled promises
7. Tension between couples as to an area of disagreement
8. Misunderstanding amongst family members
9. Unresolved crises amongst family members
10. Worry over the past, the present, and the future
11. Unease as a result of impending shame, danger, or bleak future
12. Apprehension, trepidation, and nervousness over impending failure
13. Hostility, unfriendliness, and aggressiveness amongst couples
14. Rudeness and insolence on the part of one of the spouses
15. Meanness and impoliteness on the part of both or one of the spouses
16. Frustrations through incessant delays and late coming
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17. Uncaring attitude on the part of both or one of the spouses
18. When one party often frustrates the efforts of the other
19. Selfishness on the part of one or both of the spouses
20. When one of the spouses looks like a lamp but is really a wolf
21. Unrepentant promise is broken by a partner
22. When one of the spouses doesn’t give a damn, no matter what
23. When one of the spouses always wants his or her way
24. Irresponsible charlatan, fake, and fraud partner
25. Impatience on the part of one or both of the spouses
26. When one of the family members delights in inflicting pains
27. Using and dumping lifestyle by a partner
28. When there’s a domineering and oppressive tendency
29. When one of the couples makes life unbearable for the other
30. When one of the couples is a beater, fighter, striker, and rioter
31. When one of the spouses is a cheater, deceiver and serial liar
32. Greed, covetousness, and always looking for what to grab
33. Disagreeable, unkind, cold, and an unpleasant character
34. Quarrelsome, torturing, and trouble-making spirit of a partner
4. How to make positive impact with difficult spouses and family members scripturally
1. Don’t flare up with your spouse or relations. Be cool. Be calm. Resist in losing your temper. Do not sin even if angry. Being angry will trigger an unwholesome experience least expected of a child of God. Calmness shows you’re in control. Anger in itself is not a sin. It is what you do negatively when angry that is sinful. An angry person is a mad person. The moment of anger is a moment of insanity. Whatever you do when angry can not but be regretted. Eph. 4:15; Prov 15:1; Titus 3:9
2. Put yourself in the Shoes of the Other Party: Be empathetic: Try to understand and analyse the intentions, motives, and concerns of the other party. Try to answer why, what, where, which, who, whose, etc. on the issue at stake. It may be a mere transfer of aggression, stress, distress, unresolved conflicts, hunger, or emotional pains, etc. Hunger sometimes can generate aggressiveness in a man. 2Tim 3:1–4
3. Forgive as you would have loved to be forgiven: The truth is that it may not be easy to keep forgiving a serial offender. But in order to be as perfect as your heavenly Father (Matthew 5:48), you must keep forgiving no matter how many times you’re offended. Gen 13:8-9
4. Don’t return evil for evil but return evil with good: Vengeance belongs to God. Praying for (not against) those doing evil against you is the best revenge. Such prayers are as if you’re heaping coals of fire on their head. This is not a fire of destruction but of salvation. And you know what? By the time the fire finishes its work on them, they’ll come out as refined vessels, born again, like yourself. Rom 12:19–21
5. Love your enemies: It may not be easy to love your enemy. It is not in human character to do good to those who hate you. It is very abnormal to pray for those who despitefully use you and persecute you. But then, since you are genuinely born again, you are to put on Christ as a garment. You are to resemble your Father in heaven who makes His sun shine on both the righteous and the unrighteous. Mt 5:43–45
6. We are to resemble our Lord Jesus Christ: In taking any decision, you should always ask yourself if Jesus Christ were to be standing by your side at the moment. What would you do? Certainly, you would do what will please the Lord and not what pleases you. So, follow His steps at all times. 1 Peter 2:21; Luke 23:34
7. Resolve conflicts Quickly: Develop a large heart to accommodate everyone in your family: whether an in-law or maid. On no account must you leave a disagreement between you and any member of your family to linger beyond the setting of the day’s sunlight, let it be that all quarrels are settled immediately.
8. Always give the benefit of the doubt: At all times, including odd times, learn to live peaceably with all members of your family. Understand that people are generally smart and everyone will want events to turn in his or her favour, yet you’re to always assume the other person has the best intention. So, in some of the times, you may have to lower yourself and condescend to conquer; you may have to forgo your rights and privileges; and you may have to accept some insults, even if only for Christ’s sake.
9. Ask from others who had had experience with the fellow: Certainly, your spouse is not an angel that just descended from heaven. He or she must have lived with some people before you got married. So, you may have to carry out research: How were they able to cope with the fellow? Ma wa f’oniwa ni je ore j’ore. Knowledge is profitable. Get to know your spouse.
13. Live with Your Spouse According to Knowledge, 1Pet 3:7.
a) What is the temperamental trait of your spouse?
– Choleric: analytical, logical, straightforward, practical.
– Sanguine: confident, cheerful, optimistic, positive.
– Phlegmatic: indifferent, unconcerned, apathetic.
Melancholic: pessimistic, gloomy, sorrowful.
b) What are the social and marital challenges of your spouse?
c) What are the ‘little things’ that stir up emotions of your spouse?
d) What is the leadership style of your spouse? Transformational, autocratic; democratic or participatory; laissez-faire;
10. Change your perception of a ‘difficult spouse to an ‘easy spouse: Your perception and confession matter a lot. Matt. 26:39; Phil. 2:8; 1 John 2:1-3
11. Be proactive: Study your spouse and be prepared for his or her inadequacies: Make provisions for his or her excesses. Forgive in advance. Pray in advance and while you’re trying to give an answer. A difficult person always thinks that you’re the difficult person. Try to let the person know your intentions, your background, your goals, and why you’re doing what you’re doing. 1Cor 6:9–11
12. Stoop down to conquer: Put away pride and selfishness. You can be right, but don’t be assertive. It’s easy to win the argument but lose the personality. Make a friend with your spouse and family members, and you’ll have no more enemy. Let him/her have a human feeling of your humanity, respect, kindness, love, and empathy. Do unto them as you would have them do unto you. Developing perseverance instead of quitting physically or emotionally. Galatians 6:9; Mt 18:16-17; 7:12; Lk 9:23; James 2:8; Gal 6:9; Luk 9:23
13. Focus on what can be changed: Leave and get used to whatever you can’t change. If after you’ve tried all and nothing works, just ignore it. In case such can’t be ignored, then report to a higher authority for resolution. And if between you and your spouse, the matter is becoming criminal in nature, physical danger, emotional abuse that can trigger criminality, you can report to the police 2Tim. 3:1-4; Rom 13:1-7; 12:18; Prov 22:24-25; Lk 4:30.
14. Understand your spouse and always follow peace with all
Lack of understanding is the mother of all conflicts in the home. When both husband and wife understand each other, peace in the home is inevitable. Also, change your attitude or perception of your spouse. Sometimes, God may be using your spouse as sandpaper to smoothen you into the image of His Son. The present emotional distress or conflict may be an opportunity to grow in the Lord. Stop being angry at your spouse. Stop being angry at God. You’re to develop perseverance. It produces character. Character produces hope. Rom 5:3-4; Eph 5:24-27
14. Don’t detach emotionally from your spouse:
Don’t separate. Don’t divorce. Rather, keep working on building the marriage. Remember your marriage vows to love our spouse in sickness and in health, for better or for worse.
15. Don’t raise your voice to criticize your spouse
Don’t go against your spouse while in public. Rather, do everything to defend him or her. Keep sowing good seeds. Rom 12:19-21; Gal 6:7
16. Seek wise counsels to help you navigate whenever there’s conflict.
Seek to resolve conflict immediately to prevent opening a door for the devil. Sacrificing your rights and desires for your spouse may be the price for relieving yourself or your spouse from hose emotional crises. Loving your spouse deeply and covering his or her mistakes or sins may prevent further emotional distress.
17. Pray for wisdom and pray for that difficult spouse.
Pray always for your spouse – everybody needs prayer. Every difficulty can be solved through prayer. God still answers prayer. Nothing is too difficult for Him. Luke 6:27-28; 1 Tim 2:1-4; Mt. 5:43-45. Pray for the partner and all other individuals in your family. Die daily.
18. Instead of attempting to change your spouse, try to change yourself. Most likely, when your spouse sees you change, he or she too will change. Rom 5:8. Albert Einstein said, “everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its inability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid – If you want to change others, start by changing yourself. Don’t return evil for evil but return evil with good. Love your enemies. As believers in Christ, we are indwelt by the Spirit of God who produces the attitudes of love, joy, peace, long-suffering, patience, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Mt 5:43-45; Lk 23:34; Gal 5:22-23. Rom 12:19-21. 1Jn 1:8-9
19. Stop gossiping, speaking ill, grumbling, and complaining about your spouse. Note that whoever gossips you will also gossip about you. Always speak well and celebrate your spouse before other people. In relationship with your spouse, make up your mind to always exceed his or her expectations. Rom 1:29; 2 Cor 12:20; 1 Tim 3:3; 5:13; Phil 2:14; Eph 6:5-8; 1 Cor 10:31; Col 3:23
Conclusion:
Note that there is no marriage or family on earth that is perfect. We all need divine wholeness because we are social beings. There will always be disagreements, disrespect, and discontents amongst spouses. Hence, we need to “impact positive virtues… keep impacting positive virtues… continue to impact positive virtues…”.
Always remember that God made each one of you differently. As a result of the fall of humanity, the heart of man (and woman) is evil and desperately wicked. So, on this premise, none of you is better than the other. None of you is absolutely good.
Therefore, accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour genuinely; if Jesus is your Lord, then His Word will have a place in your life. Therefore, always allow His Word to mould and conform you into His image, Rom.12:1-2; Jer 17:9; Mt 16:19; Eph 2:1-3.
