Abuse means to put to wrong use, or to use for wrong purpose, or to make an excessive use or to coercively and injuriously maltreat or hurt someone.
Generally, Sexual abuse in marriage means making love with one’s spouse against the will, consent and pleasure of the spouse. It is the performance of any unwanted sexual act of the husband to his wife or of the wife to her husband. Some sexual abuses include forcibly penetrating the vulva, performing degrading anal or oral sex, or urinating or defecating on the other partner during sexual intercourse. It also involves photographing sexual acts or parts of the other partner without consent.
When there is a physical violence and un-consented forceful penetration of the husband’s penile into and through his wife’s vulva, to the extent that the woman sustains physical, emotional or psychological injuries, it is referred to as rape in marriage.
The husband too may be a victim of sexual rape in marriage. This may happen if the woman coarsely or craftily manipulated her husband with threats and the husband has no other choice than to unwillingly and out of fear submit to unwanted sexual acts.
Sexual abuse in marriage is inevitable when certain conditions are to be fulfilled or will not be fulfilled before, during or after any sexual acts. When sexual acts are performed out of force, and not willingly given, it is tantamount to betrayal of love, trust and respect on the part of the abuser.
But then, traditions, customs, societal ways of life and personal world-view always go a long way in influencing how sex matters are treated between husbands and wife. Also, family and religious background, whether each of them or both are of conservatives or liberal Christian dispositions determine to a great extent the definition of abusiveness in sex-related issues.
It should be noted that sexual abuses can be subtle or violent; and that there is a thin line separating covert subtle sexual abuses from overt violent sexual abuses. The result of sexual abuses in marriage, whether subtle or violent is that of emotional, psychological and/or physical injuries, whereby the abuser rejoices on having over-powered the other partner or continuously blame it all on the other partner of his non-cooperation in sexual acts; and the victim resorts into crying, weeping, feeling of guilt and worthlessness.
It is however, unfortunate and regrettable that, these days, sexual union meant for couples’ enjoyment, procreation and bonding in marriage settings have been turned into a source of disharmony, separation and divorce.
Scripturally, in accordance to 1Cor. 7:4, the Bible says, “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” This presupposes that each of the married couple should give in to sexual demands of the other party. In other words, sex is a right and an obligation which must be made readily available on request from either the husband or the wife! But then, stretching this verse out of proportion can make one party want to have sex with the other even if the latter doesn’t want.
Does it mean therefore that the wife must succumb to the husband’s demands for sex anytime, anywhere, and anyhow or vice versa? Never! This cannot be the intention of God who inspired the scripts of the Scripture. For a balance interpretation, this verse of the Scripture must be compared with other Scriptures that emphases moderation in all things! Philippians 4:5 says, “Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.”
The truth is that sex should be a consensual issue between a husband and his wife. None is permitted to exploit the other. Neither should one force it on the other. So long as none of the parties was coerced into the marriage itself, so must none be compelled to have sex with the other person. Any attempt to force, coerce or intimidate the other person into having sex can be regarded as sexual abuse.
In other words, sex is obligatory but then it must be consensual. None should dominate the other. None should manipulate the other into unwanted sexual “submission.” There must not be any form of threat. On no occasion and at no time should a Christian exhibit characteristics of BDSM (an acronym for Bondage, Dominance, Sadism and Masochism).
The husband must not betray the sexual simplicity and vulnerability of his wife. Neither should the wife take her husband’s sexual request for granted, regularly disdaining, and making the husband to feel guilty for asking for what belongs to him. There mustn’t be any covert or overt physical, financial or emotional mistreatment or maltreatment as a result of demand for or denial of sex. Even when sex act is consensual, it must be approached lovingly, pleasurably and respectfully with dignity and in an atmosphere of romance. The foundation of marriage is mutual respect, love and consideration for the other partner.
God made all human beings as free moral agents. Consequently, sex should be of free-will between husband and wife. Sex should never be used as a weapon of punishment or an object of reward. Even, reading all through the Bible, there were nowhere God forces His will on any human. God had always given everyone enough room for self expression. We should therefore be like our Heavenly Father who freely gave all of us freedom of choice.
Summarily, the following could be regarded as sexual abuses within a marriage setting:
1. If one partner repeatedly criticizes or calls the other partner or his/her relations derogatory names in order to gain or refuse sexual acts of the other partne
2. If one partner always enjoys making the other partner sexually saddened by carrying out sadistic sexual acts
3. If one partner always insists on the use of certain objects such as sex toys or watching pornography before actual sexual acts.
4. If one partner always forcefully or subtly hangs the otheur partner’s need on complying with certain sexual acts
5. If one party habitually has to gratify the other party’s wishes, demands and desires before accepting to have sex
6. If in order to avoid anger, vituperation, withdrawal or emotional outbursts, one partner usually has to give in to sex
7. If one party usually gives in to sex out of the fear that refusal will result into blackmail, and/or to avoid the other party’s anger or upset or beatings.
8. If at almost all the times sex is used to pacify aggression or settle quarrels and disputes
9. If one partner usually engages in sex in order to “fulfill all righteousness”
10. If one partner most often has to beg, cajole, appeal, pet, or eulogize the other before accepting to have sex
11. If one partner always has to be very careful of what he or she does, says and acts, otherwise the other party wouldn’t give in to sex
12. If sex is often withheld until when one party is in good mood or certain mood
13. If one partner has to do certain things, almost at all times, which he or she would otherwise not have done before granting sex to the other party
14. If one partner always has to press hard or has to be pressed hard before sex is granted
15. If sexual acts always have to be done out of duty, or as rituals, or with a mindset of “just do it and get off my back so that I can do what’s more important”
