How do you balance your temperament in marriage?
My wife is a quarrelsome, nagging and troublesome woman. She always finds fault in almost everything I do. She would not want to see any of my relations coming around. Recently, my mother came on a visit wishing to spend three days with us. Just before dinner on the first day, an argument ensued between her and me; and as my mum was trying to mediate, my wife rose up and slapped her, threatening to beat her up if she ever interfered with our matters. I consider this as the height of all insults. I am fed up with her and I am getting set for a divorce.
The problem here is about flawed character and temperament on the part of the woman; and forgiveness and perseverance on the part of the man. It is to be noted that every action or inaction of a man or a woman is an offshoot of both his and her temperament and character.
Temperament
Basic temperament is formed by the combination of genes of both parents of an individual. Our emotions, actions and reactions stem from these genetic factors. In other words, the reason some are hot tempered while others have cold tempers can be explained by the genetic formation at conception. Everybody is born with unique temperamental tendencies. Some people are inherently weak in some areas and strong in other areas. These are in-born and natural ways of life that you may not be able to control. It is like the internal combustible engine working in an automobile. Nobody can blame the engine for working the way it is working because that is the way the manufacturers designed it to work. A good knowledge
of your spouse temperament therefore helps you to accept, accommodate and flow with him or her.
Character
Character is the application of all acquired external influences on your temperament. Such external factors include influences of environment, influences of formal and informal education, influences of friends, influences of parents, influences of religion, influences of teachers, influences of the Church, influences of the Word of God and so on. It also includes influences of the books you read, the videos you watch, and the music you listen to. The degree or proportion to which any or all of these influence an individual dictates his or her character.
Of course, many things can assist in controlling your inherited temperamental tendencies. For example, provocation is an inherent, intrinsic and uncontrollable emotion; but you can use the Word of God to control, moderate and modulate the ensuing anger coming out of provocation. The nucleus of the matter is that the extent to which you allow the Word of God to control your temper makes your character to be good or bad.
Thus, whenever you are provoked, you can, for instance, quickly use the Word of God in Ecclesiastes 7:9 to checkmate yourself, “be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.”
Character and Temperament
An ability to apply any or all of the external influences positively and correctly on your temperament makes up a good character. However, when any of the external influences is applied wrongly, it leads to bad character.
Thus, putting the engine of a caterpillar in an aircraft and expecting it to fly across an ocean may not be possible because this is against its design. But there can always be a way for engineers to remodel, reconstruct and redesign the engine of an aircraft in order for it to be able to carry heavy caterpillars across oceans. No matter the person that is with flawed temperament, the Word of God, acting as “the engineer” can always change him or her. (Hebrews 4:12).
Changeability of Character and Temperament
Character is not static. Temperament can be worked on. It is possible to work on your character and improve positively on your temperament. Paul the Apostle who preached the gospel and was severely persecuted for such after his conversion was once a persecutor and a “terrorist” of the Church, 1 Timothy 1:15. What brought about the difference was that he allowed the word of God to remodel his character and temperament.
Another example of change in character and temperament is in Mark 3:17. Two of the apostles, James and John, sons of Boanerges, were referred to as “sons of thunder” because of their hot tempers.
“And James the son of Zebedee, and John the brother of James; and he surnamed them Boanerges, which is, the sons of thunder”
And to demonstrate how hot-tempered they were, in Luke 9:53-54, they wanted to command fire from heaven to roast one of the Samaritan villages because they denied Jesus passage.
“And they did not receive him, because his face was as though he would go to Jerusalem. And when his disciples James and John saw this, they said, Lord, wilt thou that we command fire to come down from heaven, and consume them, even as Elias did?”
Yet, this is the same apostle John whose temperament and character have now become melted, remolded and mild through the Word of God such that he wrote glowingly and passionately on loving one another in 1 John 4:7-13,
“Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us. Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit”
Nobody in life is one hundred percent “good.” Neither is there anybody in life that is completely “bad.” Your wife might possess some bad temperaments; but there will certainly be some aspects of her that are good. Most likely, these were the good points that you admired when you initially fell in love with her. Same goes to the husband.
Divorce?
On this issue, divorce is not the way out of this problem. Firstly, what is the guarantee that another woman will not be worse off when you want to remarry?
Secondly, what example and precedence are you laying for your children and those in your circle of influence?
Thirdly, don’t you think it will be permanently on record that your mum is the cause of your marital separation?
Finally, how will divorce improve your personal relationship with God, especially, when you juxtapose your intention of divorce with the Word of God in Malachi 2:16
“For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore, take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously”
Forgiveness and Perseverance:
A better cause of action should be first to forgive your wife unconditionally. Just pardon her as you would that God should pardon you (Matthew 6:12). You should note that by forgiving your wife unconditionally, you are acting as God according to Matthew 5:48: “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”
Secondly, with perseverance, patience and godly endurance, ensure that your wife grows into maturity in the Lord. You may have to treat your wife as a spiritual baby who can only survive with the “milk of the Word of God.” Spiritual growth is never spontaneous. It comes with careful planning, determination and patience. Also, always ensure you and your wife don’t neglect fellowships in your local assembly. Increase the velocity of your family’s prayer life. Then little by little, let her grow in the things of God. By and by, the woman who once ‘slapped her mother-in-law’ will soon become a spiritual giant who will be eating “spiritual bones.” At such time, if her mother-in-law slapped her in the right cheek, she will certainly turn the other! Matthew 5:39 says,
“But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.”
